I’m going crazy locked up inside my mind; spending my days with only the company of a child. Looking for a job, but not working yet. Stressed over bills that cannot be paid with the fading money from my bank account. Wondering why I ever put myself in this position.
To recap the last two months quickly. I was working, a job I didn’t really like, but I was working. I was paying my bills, barely, but they were getting paid. I was seeing my boyfriend when we made time, only one day a week, but we were still spending time together. I was living in my dad’s house, my old room, just my room really. My boyfriend and I each quit our jobs and moved to Virginia Beach so that I could have a better chance at finding a job that I might actually enjoy. We moved into my mother’s. Long story short, things didn’t work out and we packed up and left. Back in Ohio, we moved into his mother’s house, and now almost three weeks later he is back at his old job and I am looking for work while I watch his niece when her mom is working.
I clean, a lot. Dishes, windows, sweeping, vacuuming, sinks, toilets, and bath tubs, I clean it all. Over and over. I pick up toys, the same toys every day. The dishes seem never ending. Once they are all cleaned I turn and it seems they are all magically dirty again. The floors look like they’ve never been swept or vacuumed. The windows though seem to stay relatively clean. The bathroom, well, its clean-ish. I try to organize it, but that’s difficult to do when not everyone puts things away like me. My boyfriend wonders why I bother to make the bed everyday. To be honest I don’t know why I do, it just makes me feel better when I walk into the room and its clean with the bed made. I want to clean up the clutter, but it’s not mine. I’m slowly working on making space for it all, but still keeping it in mostly the same place so that everyone can still find it even though they don’t know where anything really goes. When I get the little one to lay down and stay in her room watching her movie and I’ve managed to clean up the mess and clear some clutter I feel accomplished and a little better and a little less stressed.
Still, I’m going crazy locked inside my mind. I want to complain, but I don’t have someone to complain to here. I don’t want to tell all of this to my boyfriend, because it seems petty and he will just tell me to shrug it off and not worry. Sometimes I wish I could be a little more like him and not worry so much. My best friends are still in North Carolina (and now Colorado), so I can only vent to them over text message. I don’t know their schedules so I never know when I can call and if it’s a good time. Since they are so far away I cannot even have a girls night in with some wine and have a vent session all around. I do have some friends up here in Ohio. However, they have jobs and families as well as other friends. Basically the same problem there, I never know when it’s a good time. So, I turn to you Tumblr. I will vent to no one and everyone at the same time. Get the thoughts freed from the cage of my mind.
The only thing left to do is keep moving forward and see where this trail takes me.
Thank you for listening.