My Darkest Wonderland

One year ago I graduated from college. I thought I had an idea of where my life was headed and what I’d be doing, but not everything works out like would you think. A year later and I feel very lost. I’ve lost sight of the life I want and how to get there. This year has seen the end of some friendships, but the beginning of a beautiful relationship. The love of my life and I have found one another again. He is also a little lost himself. We have discussed our lives together and of moving in together. This is something I know I really want. Knowing a few things that I do want helps me to be able to set up a plan to find myself and get the life I want.
As with everything I need to start somewhere. I need to feel good about myself. I have decided to get my body back. I will start there and once I’ve gotten that under way I will work on getting my mind back. I keep saying I want to be a doctor so I need to get myself to medical school. Along the way I want to accomplish a few small goals. I need to get my stuff together and in one place, which means taking my dad up on his offer to get my stuff from my storage unit. Second, I want to find my way out of my dad’s house. That means saving my money and finding a new job, preferably somewhere other than here.
With any luck my love will start finding his way too. He is looking for a job and hopefully will find one soon. I want to get our lives started together. I hope that I can help him to find himself. We are partners and I am willing to help him and want to help him as he would help me.
I have a start laid out to this finding myself. My goal is to have my life back on track in one year. So along the way I am going to try new things, step out of my comfort zone, and maybe discover a new me, a better me. I want to grow as an individual and as part of a couple. One thing is certain, brighter days are ahead.

I have come to learn that sometimes people need to fall apart in order to fall back together when the time is right.
Five years ago a friend of mine and I fell apart. We stopped talking and did not see each other over these five years. It was difficult to deal with. At first I was very hurt and angry. Over the years I learned to move on and forgive him. And this past summer I started to not think of him. Thanksgiving rolled around and I went shopping. To mine and his surprise we ran into each other. My heart and everything froze. We talked everyday and hung out each chance that we got. On my birthday I confessed in my drunken state my feelings for him. That I love him and felt that he was my soul mate.
I don’t know where we will end up in this life. I don’t know if we will remain together or if we will separate and meet other people. But what I do know is that I am beyond happy that we have fallen back together. I am going to enjoy every moment I have with him and be grateful to have this chance.
So sometimes what may feel like the end is actually just a temporary separation. Don’t fear that what seems lost will never be found again. You just need to be patient.
“Love will wait for you”

My newest celebrity crush: Jeremy Renner. Yep, its offical. I would watch The Avengers a million times over just to keep seeing him play Hawkeye!

Follow the map.

I’ve lost my directions.

The end goal, to cross a stage.

I don’t recall the way.

So I follow the laughter;                                            

Met there with a smile

and your blue eyes.

Stick to the plans.

I’m too distracted to study.

Instead respond to the invitation,                              

We spend time, watch TV, talk;

Enjoy the moment, the smiles, the secret glances.

When it’s time to leave,

Goodbye, sealed with a kiss.

Careful where you step.                                             

The ledge crumbles beneath my feet.

Fear was expected, but not found;

Sense of safety felt as the bottom approaches.

Your whispered words provide comfort;

But as the clouds fade                                                           

the dizzying worry rushes in.

How did I get here?

Running low on time;

Misplacing my heart;

Overwhelmed with the work left.                             

People pass me in a blur,

one person not distinct from another.

But here you stand, motionless

with me, here.

(my original poetry)

I’ve found myself looking at the end. So many things are coming to an end at about the same time. Not only am I about to graduate from college, I am about to spend my last summer in Ohio with my friends and family. My dad is going to sell his camper and stop camping. I’ve grown up there; spent countless summers there; made close friends who camp there. I’m also going to move on to my own. Honestly, Its overwhelming.

I have started to pack the things in my room. When I cleared one area on my wall, I was suddenly hit with the realization that this is no longer my room. Once I leave my room it will no longer be mine; I wont be coming back. I will turn in my room key for the last time. I will be checked out for the last time from this room. It’s a little sad to think about.

This thought has made me notice the other “lasts” I have or will have over the next two weeks. The last walk to class. The last meal in the cafeteria. Signing in my last guest. Taking the last walk around the campus to cure my boredom. My last college finals. My last exam stress breaks. My last exam breakfast. The last time sitting in front of the bookstore people watching or reading. The last walk or drive through McDonalds drive-through at 2 o’clock in the morning (ok I can still do this, but not with friends or as a break from pulling an all nighter). The last pulling an all nighter to write a paper or study for a test. It just feels like as each day passes I notice something else that is the last.

All these thoughts are similar to some of the one’s I had in high school when it was close to graduation. I know that I will reach that point when it’s all to much to hold in and I will break down and cry. I know that it will happen, its really only a matter of time. I’m simply waiting for the ground to fall.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited and looking forward to graduation. I don’t feel like I’m losing anything or that this is by any means bad. These things are simply coming to an end. Its sad, but I am looking forward to the next step. I know that just because something is ending doesn’t mean that nothing is going to come after. This moment is a little frightening because I’m not sure what’s next.

But I am ready for whatever is thrown my way.

I will make it through this last time feeling once again.

How many times have you asked yourself “how did I get here”?

Have you sat down and thought about the steps that led to that specific moment?

I have. And that moment was February 29th. Instead of turning and walking back to my room after dinner I spotted a classmate and friend of mine.

This moment, split second in time, when I left the group I was walking with to talk to my friend about our class, this was the moment that set in motion the events that led to this place I’ve found myself.

I met someone. I made a new friend. Remarked at how he introduced himself, as a way that I do and have not noticed anyone else do before. He says bye to the friend we share and to me, and leaves.

Minutes later I look behind me, see him, catch his eye. He smiles, I smile, he waves, I smile more and wave back.

Did you catch it? Did you notice it? That was the moment the adventure began.

We talked online. Exchanged numbers. Talked in person. Flirted. Hung out. Watched A Nightmare Before Christmas. Then he kissed me.

That was the moment I admitted my attraction.

I stayed over. We talked. Watched netflix. Couldn’t believe the difference in age. Expressed our fear.

That was the moment I realized I was close to the edge, I could fall.

Desire. Flirtation. He cares, thats what he says. Sweetness turns sour in an instant. We argue.

That was the moment I noticed how similar we are, how we say the same defensesive remarks.

Silence. Two days in time, hurt, tears wish to fall. Then I get over it. We go to eat. Avoid the topic with ease. Then heading back, some woman asks if we are boyfriend, girlfriend. Remarks at the cuteness we would make as a couple. Thankfully we laughed.

That was the moment I knew it was to late.

Now what? Now I am afraid. I don’t want to make the wrong move. I’m balancing on a ledge that’s crumbling beneath my feet. Trying to grasp and keep the way it started while trying to move forward.

This is the moment I’ve got to make a move. Life wont stand still.